Wednesday 29 August 2007

The Statue that Wanted to Feel

The Statue sits all day at the window looking at the people passing by, thinking about the past, the present and the future, living minute by minute yet not living at all. Thinking about what it was, what it is, what it could have been, and what it may be. Its brain and heart of stone stuck in the same thoughts of what was once but never will be again. It sees everything, but does not understand everything it sees. It hears everything, but is unable to speak and say the things it wants and needs to say. It is made of stone on the outside, but has some kind of life in the inside. Life and some sort of ability to feel, but not real feelings. The Statue is a conflict in itself and with itself.
The Statue was not always a statue. It became one with time. It slowly became one. It began with the heart, which was always made of stone. Turning into a statue was the price to pay for always looking too much into the past or too much into the future. For never living the present or allowing itself to feel. For never speaking out its thoughts and feelings, if it ever had them. For not knowing how to feel or how to give itself. For not knowing how to take and accept what others wanted to give. The Statue grabbed on for too long to pain and sadness. An incomprehensible pain and an infinitive sadness. It grabbed on for so long that it eventually became unable to feel or to see the good things around it. All that the former being ever wished was to feel and to be felt. However, it was never really able to let itself feel or be felt. It always lived in front of the mirror, but never really saw or knew itself. It lived a detached reality. A detached life. It realised that slowly, very slowly it was becoming a stone. But was unable to stop the process. It never understood its inability to love, because love was all that it ached for. Why? What was it that froze its heart, blood and spirit? Maybe it was always like that and nothing could be done to change it? It does not know and maybe will never find out. Its punishment for not finding the answer is to forever stay like that. Grabbing on to something, but being unable to actually reach it. This is the story of the Statue that dreamt of being human, but never achived to become one.
- TeresaE., August 2007

Tuesday 21 August 2007

Hurdles

Sometimes we have to put things in perspective.
To grow up we must overcome a number of hurdles. As we prove able to jump over these hurdles, bigger and bigger hurdles will present themselves in our lives. Because even if we have to fight hard, someone or something knows that we can handle the things that are sent our way.
Sometimes we have to put things in perspective. What do I mean with this? That to deal with hardship we have to make an effort to see the bright side of things. Even when it seems that you have lost everything, look deeper. There always has to be something left. Perspective means that instead of thinking of what you have lost, you may have to make an effort to think of what you have gained. This may be an extremely hard exercise at times. Some experiences are just hard to accept or deal with. You may have to wait to be prepared to do this exercise. But once you feel ready, do it.
You were assaulted, robbed the things you most cherish, your money, your sleep? But now you have enough money to eat and have your strength that will allow you to keep going. You were mistreated by the people around you and had no friends to count on? But you still have yourself, your ability to laugh at things and to see the good side of those throwing stones at you, and friends eventually pop-up. You were harassed and victim of an attempt of abuse, thus feeling a loss of dignity and shame? But you regained your pride and dignity, even if they seemed to have disappeared. Someone makes you believe that you are not good enough for anything? But you still have yourself and deep down you know that you are in fact good enough. You were forced to leave a place, job, opportunity that you wanted badly because circumstances did not allow you to stay? But you still have your hope in that life will give you a second and if necessary a third opportunity. You lost someone you were very fond of? But you can still like and be liked by others; life will not stop with that person or heartbreak. You were seriously ill and came close to fear for your life? But you are alive and healthy again. You fear that you may never again feel something? But you can pinch yourself and feel pain, thus knowing that you are still sensitive enough to feel. You think your heart is frozen? But you can touch your pulse and hear your heart beat. Every time you question whether your heart is still beating, touch your chest and you will have the proof that your heart is still there.
Perspective… It may seem to you that you have lost something great. It may seem that you have lost all that you wished for and had managed to make come true. Look more carefully and you will see that you gained something better. Be this your dignity, your pride, your self-respect, your courage, your strength, your health, your life, a better job, a better someone. Life is a series of circumstances put all together. Most circumstances we can not control. Thus, it is of utmost importance not to compare your life with that of others. Life is made of choices. Sometimes we have to sacrifice the things we like for the things we need or deserve. Remember that life is a journey, not a destination.
The hurdles will always be there, it is just their size that changes. So keep jumping :)
- TeresaE, 2007

Monday 20 August 2007

Eyes Wide Shut

Eyes Wide Shut: sometimes we can not see things that are right in front of our eyes because of a lack of vision, because our feelings blind our eyes, or because we refuse adamantly to see what is so obvious. Sometimes the heart makes the eyes close, so that they will not see what the heart does not want to know. Sometimes others throw sand into our eyes leaving us unable to see. Sometimes we are simply blind because our wishes do not match reality: a reality that we can not live with. This may happen because you may love someone who does not nurture the same feelings for you. This may happen because though you see what is there you find yourself trapped in a situation in which you see a person as your only support. In such case, even if you can see what is happening you will chose not to see as you fear to be left without anyone. This may happen because you are more vulnerable. This may happen because you have never had a similar experience before and do not understand the rules of the game being played. This can happen for so many reasons. But the bottom line is that your Eyes will Shut down Widely so that they will not see what you really do not want to see. Because you are naive, because you can not understand, because you hope.
Why do Eyes Wide Shut when we need them completely open? Is it a matter of self-protection? Is it dumbness? Is it faith in that what we are seeing will have changed when we re-open our eyes? Why does it happen? It should not happen.
The biggest pain will come with time and when you eventually get your Eyes Wide Open. The reality you will see - the present and the past - may be too hard to accept and to deal with. You will be confused, you will try to attribute blames, and you will see that you have a big share of blame. Because you were the one who chose not to see. But then it will be too late to erase the past or the memories of what you saw, but refused to really see. Then, there is no way back, only a way ahead.
There are so many things that I simply can not understand. Eyes Wide Shut or Eyes Wide Open, I simply can not understand some features of HuMan nature. What is normal for some is not for others. What is honesty for some is not for others. What will hurt some will not hurt others. Some people have their Eyes Semi-Shut or Semi-Open. Others have their Eyes so Wide Open that they can see everything clearly and will not bother with those who do not own such gift. What I have learned with my life and that of others is that there is no point in refusing to see. There is no point in having your Eyes Wide Shut. When you see something clearly you must not blind yourself. Because being blind to reality will not change what is there to be seen. Being blind will only bring hurt into your life.
I will do my utmost to never Shut my Eyes Wide ever again. I do not want to be blind to reality ever again. I know now that I prefer a small initial disappointment than a long-term wound, caused by my denial to see what was there. I know now that some people are just not good for you and that you have to trust your initial instincts. I know that in any situation - loneliness, danger - you are better of alone than with someone who does not really care for you. I have learned so much. Unfortunately in a too hard and too painful way. I will have my Eyes Wide Shut only to sleep from now on. I will keep my Eyes Wide Open!
- TeresaE, 2007

Broken Flower

Out of everything that happened to The Rose, it was the lack of support from The Gardener that broke her heart the most.
The Rose's petals were not intact, but they had never suffered such severe cuts in such short period of time. Used to facing bad weather and ill-intended people who would rip her petals, or try to cut her in half, The Rose had survived many challenges. Completely open to the world, The Rose was ready to believe that one special Gardener would treat her as her inner beauty so deserved: well. When the storm began and evil-minded Gardeners began to slowly rip The Rose, The Rose believed that
The Gardener would protect her. She asked for his help. However, The Gardener would not listen to her. She asked for help again. And again The Gardener remained deft to her requests. While The Gardener was busy looking after other roses in his garden, the other Gardeners continued their wrong-doing. The Rose knew she could not compete with the beauty and attractives of other roses. Yet, she believed that The Gardener's heart would listen to her requests. The Rose believed so until the last minute. The Rose continued believing even after some of her petals fell naturally out of sadness for The Gardener's despise. The Rose could not give up from reaching out for The Gardener, because she simply could not believe that The Gardener did not want her in his Garden. Then a few more petals fell down out of suffering. The Rose was being ripped piece by piece from her own Garden by the ill-intended Gardeners. She fought with all her strengths, she called for The Gardener, she tried to keep her petals together. However, The Gardener was blind and deft to her requests. He simply did not hear her or understood her. He ignored her requests. The Gardener was too busy looking after his own Garden and waiting for a nicer Rose to flourish. The Rose fell ill because she had so much pain in her heart and petals. The ill-intended Gardeners took their chance with her, took advantage of her vulnerability, made her lose her colour. And all that time The Rose just kept thinking of why The Gardener would not understand her and help her. The Rose decided to move to a better place. It was a painful transplantation process. But a necessary one as she could no longer survive in the Garden where she had been planted by the ill-intended Gardeners. The Rose came to find that The Gardener had not the good heart she thought he had. At least not towards her. The Rose could never understand why The Gardener could not appreciate her and her beauty. Because The Rose could see the good in The Gardener. Ever since, two of The Rose's petals forever broke in half and will never be completely restored again. These are the petals of Trust and of Innocence. Trust in Gardeners who at first sight may seem well-intended but are really not, and Innocence as the ability to believe in good as a principle of human nature. The Rose will forever live handicapped. But The Rose will live. The Rose is broken, but is not dead. The Rose will continue battling the storms and ill-intended Gardeners with her petals open. More petals will fall, but the core will remain. The Rose will prevail.
Out of everything that happened, it was the despise of The Gardener that broke her heart the most.
- TeresaE, 2007

Masks

Masks... Very few people nowadays are "what you see is what you get". Most people have adopted at least two masks. The one to use at home and the one to use at work. Masks are diverse and can go from the "I want to seem stronger than what I really am" mask to the "double-face" mask. Some masks are easy to be seen and taken, other masks manage to stay in place and to not denounce their true colours. Unfortunately, you may be fooled by a number of masks. This happens when you are of the type "what you see is what you get" and assume that by nature everyone around you is the same. This is a big mistake. It is wiser to assume that there may be a mask, or something hidden behind the mask you see. Failing to take this into consideration will without a doubt cause you disappointments. Masks are faces. Faces are masks. Not all pretty masks hide a pretty soul. Not all ugly masks hide an ugly soul. Not all masks are transparent. Some masks will change according to your reaction to them. And they can change in one minute. Such masks are very well trained. Not all masks will hide what you wish to see. But most masks will show you what you want to see. Unfortunately, not everyone will see the same as you do in a specific mask. Then, all that you can do is to believe in what you see, and accept that exterior confirmation may never come. But you will always know what was it that you saw in that specific mask and why it made you feel the way it did.
- BeyondTeresaE, 2007

The Rose

The Rose calls the attention of others because of its outside appearance. If The Rose has a flashy enough colour people will stop, look and eventually smell it. If The Rose's colour is not yet at the height of its charm, then hardly will someone stop, look and eventually smell it. However, The Rose's biggest dream is that someone will look further than the outside appearance. The Rose wants to be selected for what it is and what it can become. The Rose lives its life hoping to be chosen and picked. The Rose can not take initiative. It can not talk, walk or call someone's attention by touching. The Rose can only wait and hope that someone will stop, admire and pick it to be nurtured even if only for some brief hours. The Rose knows it has much to offer. But The Rose also knows that it can only offer her best when someone decides to invest time in selecting it to love it.
The Rose wants to be chosen by what it is in itself: its beauty, its fragrance, its solitude, its natural presence, its inner beauty, its ability to shine when feeling loved. At times, The Rose will think that no one will pick it. Everyone that passes by snobs it. The Rose will feel frustrated for not being wanted by the way it is and for what it is. However, as The Rose can not do much about the free will of those passing by, its only option is to wait, wait and wait. The Rose will wait for the right picker to pass by. The Rose is tied-up in its nature of being unable to react. No matter how much The Rose wants to react such would simply be contra-natura. The Rose will try to make her colour shine even more when someone special passes by. But that is all that The Rose can do.
I liked The Rose for what it was and took the time to look at it, smell it and bring it home in a photo. This Rose was not waiting for me, so it was not for me to pick it up. Instead, I just brought some of its beauty with me. I hope that someone will pick The Rose. Someone has to. The right person has to. After all, The Rose has so much to offer. When will someone see that I can not know. Like The Rose I can only hope it will happen.
- BeyondTeresaE, 2007

Saturday 18 August 2007

Tango(ying ) your Life Away

Every other night she goes to the Tango place. She dresses fancy, puts on her make-up, uses her shinny jewelry, wears her crystal shoes. She sits down like a real lady, putting on her most secure posture, trying to look serious but desirable. She expects someone will invite her to dance. Her eyes blink to the men around, her hands move nervously, but she keeps her back very straight. After all, she wants to call the attention of younger men. This is an Asian lady, the kind of woman that attracts attention for her apparent serenity. She is older than what she is trying to appear. But her beauty has remained through the decades. I see a life of loneliness and of heart-breaks. I see someone who tries to fight her spare time and sadness by putting on the mask she is wearing tonight. A mask that makes her shine, but that does not hide the hurt inside. A mask that does not change her nature, rather makes it come out. She sits with her carefully chosen alfit. After some time the feeling of disappointment for not being invited leads her to talk to me. She wants to be heard, but not to hear. She leans to my ear and tells me how silly she finds is to just wait for an invitation that may not come. I agree, I say. She pities me, as she believes I am also waiting. I explain her that I am not there to dance. Only to observe. She turns her head away. Her eyes seek the eyes of a man in the saloon. Some minutes after she gets invited. I focus my eyes on her dancing. She closes her eyes while she dances. And while she knows she has to be led by the man, her eccentricity makes her want to take some initiative, to be original. She needs to express what she is feeling inside. She feels every note of the music in her blood. She tries to feel and follow the man's moves. But she can not attach completely. The man notices that to her. She explains. They dance again. She finally smiles and is happy for the minutes that the dance lasts. Slowly she walks like a cat towards her seat. She glows of pleasure for having the opportunity to dance. She sits. Soon she feels bored for not being as solicited as she would like to be. She talks to me again. I smile and nod my head. I do not say much. After all, she does not want to hear, only wants to be heard. Still she tries to keep a conversation. She needs the attention. But not too much attention or men will not come to her to invite for a dance. Indeed, a lonely person who tries to fight the same feeling by entering a conversation with a stranger. I listen to her and can not but feel impressed. I imagine the many stories she could tell me about her long and turbulent life. She mentions another country where Tango is more appreciated; where the dance floors are always full and not empty like in this place. She does not understand these people who go to a Tango place for any other reason than to dance. She does not say much about her. Nevertheless, her life is summarised in the smile she keeps showing out of politeness and of the need to seem happy. A big, white smile that somehow is not happy. She intrigues me. I leave the place thinking about how she will arrive home and take as much time as she can to take off her clothes, her make-up and the many jewels she is wearing. After all, she has much time in her hands and needs to make it pass somehow. This is how she will live until her days end. And she will be happy her own way. I hope I will meet her again. I want a better photo of her.
While still submerse in my thoughts about this Lady I turn my head. My focus falls on someone else in the room.
Every other night she goes to the Tango place. I see her on the other side of the room; someone whom I have learned to know quite well recently. I look at her. She dresses comfortably, because she prioritises her comfort, well-being and unique identity over the need that most women have of calling attention. Simplicity and beauty mixed with a very feminine touch. This is her. She enters the Tango place with a quiet smile, greets the people she knows, seats discretely and puts on her magic shoes. She tries to relax and then she is ready to receive invitations to dance. She seems patient and calm, but the waters that flow underneath are agitated and in need of action. She is thinking of someone who is absent, while trying to focus on the reason why she is there. She gets invited to dance. Somehow she does not look like the same person that was sitting at my side just a minute ago. She is dancing, while I seat and observe. I observe the transformation of this young woman. It takes her no less than a few seconds to go from shy and a bit insecure to wonderful, confident and secure. When her Tango shoes hit the floor she becomes somebody else. Yet she does not change, she is the same person. While the dance lasts she knows she rules the floor and her feelings. She is doing what she most likes and knows she is good at it. She fears nothing. Everyone and everything around her disappear. The world is reduced to the dance floor and to performing the best Tango she can. Not to impress others, but to confirm to herself what she already knows. She is a great dancer and a great young lady. She knows it and feels proud. While she dances, sad thoughts go away, men no longer intimidate her, her shape or look are not important. She is dancing and breaks free. For those brief moments nothing else matters. Nevertheless, I know that as soon as she stops dancing, the thoughts that were in her mind before will come back. She will feel divided between what (who) is there in her front and what (who) is not. She has so much to give. I think to myself: the woman that was on the dance floor should be there all the time. The woman on the dance floor and the woman now sitting again next to me are one and the same. One day the thin line between them will merge. And then she will be as strong and confident as ever. I smile. I find this vision wonderful.
- BeyondTeresaE, 2007

Wednesday 15 August 2007

Always Looking Away

All his life has he looked away... to the future, to the horizon. Never his mind on where he was. Humm? What he was doing? Hmph, Yoda said about Luke S.
He might as well be saying the same about... the girl in the photo. Her mind is never where it should be. It is always looking to the future, looking for something better, looking for the dreams. This is especially true when things are not running well. When bad things overcome the good things - yes this is possible - and when the need to run away and find something better wins over the strong will to stay. On the other hand, her heart is always looking away into the past. A past that can no longer be the present nor future. But it insists in looking back, not in anger but in longing. Looking at the things it could have done better, only to find out there was nothing it could have done differently. Her mind and heart must learn how to look only to the present. And when that present is not good accept the need to leave. But after making the decision they must learn how to not look back. Learn how to look to the future with patience. The mind needs to be busy so that the heart does not take over the thoughts and emotions. But the mind can not be so busy that it will blind the heart from what it should see. It is a tricky balance. A balance that has to be sought, even if that will take the girl's entire life time.

Sunday 5 August 2007

Enlightened Trees

I love Nature. It makes me feel good, happy, free. From this perspective, I could see the sun shinning in between the huge trees. Seeing the trees from this point made me feel small, but at the same time cherished, warm and part of something much greater than me. The contrast produced by the sun rays in the green leafs is wonderful and makes you dream of a wonderful world.
- Brussels, Foret des Soignes

Tap your Heels Together

Just like Dorothy (Wizard of Oz), I very much wish that I could go to the place where I want to be by tapping my heels together. This golden shoe seems somewhat magic. Maybe its the shine, or the nice way it fits the foot. It has taken me to a few nice places, but not yet to the place where I want to go. It is too far away and perhaps the shoe fears not handling the trip. Maybe it is not magic at all. But one day I hope to walk it around in that special place where I so much want to be.
- beyondteresae, 2007

Friday 3 August 2007

One Last Drink

That is what the beautiful Italian girl would always say: "one last drink", before we could call it a night. There were always several last drinks. In this case the drinks had a price. Not too high a price to scare the three Latino Girls from going out to party in the cold Nordic city. Either way, the drinks would help to further warm the already hot blood running in these girls veins. The price that you can not find in the drinks' list nor elsewhere is that of the strong friendship that still bonds us together. Lovely times never to be forgotten. And these have no price. Ciao belli!!!
- Utrecht, T., Mo. & A., May 2006

Dolls' House

Intriguing contradiction... Two dolls sitting comfortably numb near a window that shows a landscape of rocks. One would say this is a dolls' house. However, these two dolls share their space with dozens of men... in a military building. An ode to women and to how important their are to a soldier, or simply the proof that military men do have a heart and soft sensibility. I loved the apparent contradiction. Met very interesting people in this place. A confirmation that the outside appearance is not always a mirror to the heart and the soul.
- Münster, Germany, March 2006

Sky on Fire

Looks like Heaven is on fire... A dark blue sky covered by shades of red, orange and pink. A wonder of Nature. A 'trompe l'oeil' painting in a real sky. Makes you think that nothing is "black on white". There are always shades, different impressions, two perspectives that can become super-imposed, a mixture of feelings and of thoughts. Bright colours bringing war
- Venezian Sunset, Lido di Venezia, 2006